Saturday, November 7, 2009

Coffee Shop Profiles

I'm sitting here in a coffee shop, supposedly working on that PhD application I told you about yesterday. But I'm really undercover.

Yes, that's right... I'm secretly observing the people here. I suspect they are much like the typical characters found at other coffee shops around the country -- and maybe the world.

We have the Chit-Chatters on the couch... people who are obviously regulars, here with laptops and books and a friendly greeting for other customers who come for a bit to be alone in a social manner. I know one of them (oh the irony!) and she's a sweet sweet social butterfly. I don't know her friend, but she has nice hair. It figures. Coffee shop girls tend to have nice hair.

Another important character is the Anti-Blonde. Anti-Blonde is sitting at a table across the shop, typing into her black Macbook. The Macbook matches her black hair that is strategically striped with blue. She is probably very smart and has sworn off Starbucks as part of The Establishment... but you know she was a cheerleader in high school and feels intense angst and guilt over it.

Pageboy Pete just walked in. He acquired his nickname through his unfortunate choice in headwear. Oh, Pageboy Pete. Don't you know that hat telegraphs your insecurity to everyone? You aren't hiding it -- your very head broadcasts the truth. Aaaaaaand... now he's pulling out his phone to call someone so he doesn't have to wait for his coffee alone. So sad.

No wait, not sad. He's here with Blonde Bitch. Either he truly is miserable and wants to maintain that lifestyle (hence her presence), or he doesn't know what he's in for. Either way... both the hat and the BB indicate his life is not going well. Oh well. Pageboy Pete and Blonde Bitch left, because they really don't know what to do with themselves in a coffee shop. They just need the cups as fashion accessories.

Ah, and here's another one of our friends... Serious Student. He seriously (how else?) tells the barista that he's applying for doctoral programs in Scotland. Then, in an attempt to sound humble, he admits that one can never know for sure it will work out ("though it really looks like it will!" he adds). Earnestness is the name of the game with Serious Student. Since reading passages from his masters thesis doesn't really work when hitting on women, he relies heavily on the aura of intelligence he tries to create.

Have you seen these people? I think there are probably others I haven't included... they might show up in future installments.


One Sassy Girl said...

I have a PhD in People Watching, with a major in critiquing and a minor in laughing at them bloggerstyle.

I see we share a specialty, doctor... ;)

Dave said...

Now, there's a laugh that I needed today. People are a never-ending source of amusement...perhaps that is why I work in a field that requires me to analyze them.

Sara said...

We don't have a Starbucks. I shit you not.

While I love local coffee shops as much as the famed establishment, Starbucks is the ultimate in people-watching.

I'll be sure to hit it up when I go home for Thanksgiving.

Sid Prince said...

Wow lady! Judge much??

Yeah, me too. Though your insights into the human condition are much more astute than those I put forth in the waining hours of the afternoon. I must say, I am impressed.

Now! I must challenge D to the J to step up and lay down some People Watch knowledge of his own. He is a master. I am an unworthy student.

DJ, accept you this challenge sir??


CanAmGirl said...

Soooo glad you didn't profile me, I can only imagine...;)

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh, I LOVE your coffee shop observations!

Live.Love.Eat said...

YOU are hysterical. A breath of fresh air (and dirty laundry) :)

Des said...

This was hilarious. There are some real characters at coffee shops. You have an excellent blog here, and I've enjoyed reading through your posts.

Kevin P said...

Christina, can we get a "coffee shop barista profile" for your next post?

You know the types:
Student Stu - pretending his $/hr wages pay the bills
Apron Amy - the only other color besides green she would be caught in is the coveted black. She swore her allegiance long ago.
Intense Ian - you know that my be sweat on his brow or residue left from a milk steam he just caught in the face.
Momma Mia - she only works during school hours. She's a coffee shop favorite, but only until 3:00p.


christianne said...

I like how you described the chit-chatters on the couch as people who come to Starbucks to be alone in a social manner. I like going to Starbucks to be alone and get things done (read, journal) while being surrounded by strangers. There's something calming and soothing about it.

And yes, I have totally seen these characters at my own share of coffee shops! You have a good eye, there.

AspiringFashionista said...

Ah, Pageboy Pete. I know him well. He must have a cousin here, because I've got a crystal-clear image of him.