Thursday, February 3, 2011

Beware the Flight Attendants

So a few weeks back everyone was Google Trending and Facebook posting about the newly required TSA body scans.

Personally, I think that constitutes a year-round motivation to work out and watch one's diet... because here in Seattle, there IS no bikini season to keep me thin.

Here's what you should really worry about, though, and no one but me is telling you to be afraid:


"Why?" you may ask. "Why would I worry about those friendly soda-dispensing butlers in the sky?"

Because some of them are too friendly. Let me give you an example.

Last week I had to go out of town for work, and on Monday was flying back. Due to lovely snow you midwesterners provided, I nearly missed my first flight. Checked in, provided pin-up pictures for the TSA scanners, and then raced across the airport to launch myself into the plane before they took off without me.

The older flight attendant greeted me, and asked me how I was doing.

"Oh, a little harried," I wheezed, clutching the stitch in my side.

"Ooooh, yes," he said, running his fingers through my hair. "Yes, you have that whole Taylor Swift thing going, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess." I eased away and settled in my seat.

My friend came by a moment later.

"You've been upgraded!" he announced.

"What?" The plane didn't *have* a first class section.

"You need to come sit up in the first row," he explained. Thinking that something had gone wrong with my rushed check-in and he was trying to spare me embarrassment, I dutifully took myself and my purse to the front row and sat down.

The flight attendant plopped down in the seat next to me. "Well," he leered. "Now we can talk!"

Oh. Great.

"What do you do for a living?" he asked.

"I work in the motorcycle industry," I responded vaguely.

That was the wrong answer, because his grin got creepier. "Oh, I bet! I can totally see you, all dolled up in boots and chaps and a leather jacket!"

Can you? I'd prefer you didn't.

I clarified that's not actually what I wear or do. Then I clarified I was tired by yawning whenever he opened his mouth. Then I clarified I didn't WANT him to get a flight to Seattle, thanks.

I'm telling you: flight attendants are the ones you need to watch out for. They know you won't punch them because you want to make your connecting flight and won't risk airport jail (is there a real name for that?).

So fortify yourself with booze at the bar, bring a book, and wear your best repellent scents... because those villains are out there, ready to offer you a Coca-Cola and some bagged peanuts.