Friday, February 12, 2010

I Got Hit By A Bus

Yesterday, I got hit by a bus.

This is not a metaphor. It's not an exaggeration, tall tale, or even a blatant lie.

It's the truth. And I am too pretty for it.

I was driving in Seattle, on my way home from work. I innocently took a right-hand turn, which caused my lazy car to cough and stall. With the remaining momentum, I strong-armed it to the side of the road and put my flashers on (why yes, I *have* done this before).

Cars zoomed around me, shooting me sympathetic, glad-it-wasn't-me glances. I was just happy I was safe.

That lasted maybe two minutes.

As the bright lights in my rearview mirror alerted me to the bus pulling around the corner, I realized... I was sitting at a bus stop.

And Seattle's buses run on cables.


So. I'm fine, my car is okay, and now I have the pleasure of adding one more story to my repertoire. But this means that, at least for awhile, all whining I encounter gets met with, "Oh, yeah? I got hit by a BUS!"

There are perks to having public transportation vehicles plough into you, after all.

Plus, people tell you they're worried you're tweeting from the dead, and that's kind of awesome, too.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Three Discoveries To Change Your Life

This week I made some huge discoveries. The world will never recover.

Huge Discovery #1: You don't have to drink coffee for it to work its magical waking powers.
No, you can settle for pouring it down yourself at 6:35 a.m. on the way to work -- it will STILL cause increased alertness! Still to be tested: can it be used as a weapon? Jen and I may run some tests...
Today I decided to drink it...

Huge Discovery #2: If there's no street parking during rush hour, just stop your car in the middle of the road and turn on your flashers.
People will drive around you and never stop to see if you're actually in trouble. If I'd taken advantage of this opportunity, I could've walked down the street to get a cup of hot chocolate. Instead, I wasted my time calling AAA... silly me.

Huge Discovery #3: Australians think Americans smell bad.
In an email exchange with an Australian gentleman, I was called a "Septic." Urban Dictionary told me it's because "septic tank" and "Yank" rhyme -- and because the world in general has a dismal view of the USA. Luckily, I was also called a "top sheila" so I felt confident that it all evened out. At any rate, septic tanks are useful so I think it's kind of patriotic to be useful and septic and I'm calling everyone that from now. IF they love the red, white and blue, anyway.

I did the research, I wrote the report. Now make your life awesome.

You're welcome, World.

Any of you researchers make huge discoveries this week?