Saturday, February 6, 2010

Three Discoveries To Change Your Life

This week I made some huge discoveries. The world will never recover.

Huge Discovery #1: You don't have to drink coffee for it to work its magical waking powers.
No, you can settle for pouring it down yourself at 6:35 a.m. on the way to work -- it will STILL cause increased alertness! Still to be tested: can it be used as a weapon? Jen and I may run some tests...
Today I decided to drink it...

Huge Discovery #2: If there's no street parking during rush hour, just stop your car in the middle of the road and turn on your flashers.
People will drive around you and never stop to see if you're actually in trouble. If I'd taken advantage of this opportunity, I could've walked down the street to get a cup of hot chocolate. Instead, I wasted my time calling AAA... silly me.

Huge Discovery #3: Australians think Americans smell bad.
In an email exchange with an Australian gentleman, I was called a "Septic." Urban Dictionary told me it's because "septic tank" and "Yank" rhyme -- and because the world in general has a dismal view of the USA. Luckily, I was also called a "top sheila" so I felt confident that it all evened out. At any rate, septic tanks are useful so I think it's kind of patriotic to be useful and septic and I'm calling everyone that from now. IF they love the red, white and blue, anyway.

I did the research, I wrote the report. Now make your life awesome.

You're welcome, World.

Any of you researchers make huge discoveries this week?


Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

OK. I was gonna call out search teams for you.

Quit your job. It's getting in the way of me reading your writing on a daily basis.

Sara said...
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Sara said...

I agree with La Surferwife. We miss you. And by "we" I mean "me." Unless it turns out I'm the Queen. In which case, I still mean "we" but you automatically know it means "me" because I'm just that important.

It sounds like you had a really special week. I hope your car is okay and that there were no second or third degree burns from coffee mishaps.

Wait, why do Australians think we smell? Have they BEEN to Europe? Europeans think we're all OCD because most people shower every day. Man, help a brother out!

February 7, 2010 6:15 PM

K said...

I sincerely hope you came up with a catchy insult for Australians that will be submitted to Urban Dictionary. That'll show him.

CaJoh said...

These discoveries are HUGE. Are these in the order you discovered them, or in order of importance?

Hot coffee is just plain ol' coffee if it isn't hot. Why else would McDonalds put a warning on the cup…

Thanks for sharing your discoveries,

Bethany said...

Awesome, insightful discoveries! I was getting worried about you, hoping you'd post soon! There hasn't been anything interesting going on around here..we got a snow day today though!

kanishk said...
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