What Do You Say to the Most Polite Spammer Ever?

So after my last email to Danijel (read here, here, and here to figure out who this is), I assumed the hint was given and I was off the hook.

Oh no.

Perhaps this guy (woman? I don't have the faintest idea) has caught on and thinks it's hilarious and is trying to play me.

Maybe this is an ingenius and elaborate publicity hoax for someone actually selling spandex disco pants -- making this a searched for-term -- or making AdWords money off of this somewhere (yes, seriously, this person might not have anything to do with spandex, a weird fetish site, or American Apparel... it might just be someone gaming Google).

But honestly? I think this must be the most polite spammer ever. Take a look at the email I received after sending my "photographs."

"Photographs" like this one.

Hy Christina!

its good to haer again from you! grat, they are intressting pics,hehe..

your ideas are good ,but at first i must see what youve done about the real pics in your photoshooting?? i dont know if you wear black disco pants, and how look your poses???

it would be very fiendly if you can send me these on my mail, and than we can look further, to arrange you all you need, ok? so, dear Christina hope you can send me the pics as soon as possible.. Thank you!!

For next Week i have also a lot to do! Bussines as usuall ;))

That sounds like something I would've heard from a kindly philosophy professor: "Well, I see where you were going with that, and that's a good start, but let's try..."

I had no time to Photoshop my head onto a one-legged stick figure or some other variation, so I didn't respond right away.

So a few days later, this arrived:

Hy Chrsitina!

How are you?

I just also want to ask you if you get my last E-Mail and what do you decide to do about your nice pictures? wanna send them to me??

its important to know for me because i really need a prewiev to plan further..

would be great if you can answer me :)

cheers Danijel!

He's getting impatient now... because it seems I'm wasting his time. Hmm.

I am now taking suggestions. What would you like to see me say to Danijel, the ultra-polite spammer?

Disco Pants: Is there a Craigslist or Svenslist in Switzerland?

Sarcasm is not a universal language. But if pictures are worth a thousand words, I just sent a few thousands' worth to Danijel, my cheerful and persistent spammer. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read part 1 and part 2 of the Disco Pants Saga to catch up.
==

So after the last email, here is the response I received.

Dear Christina!

Thanks for your quick answer :)) im glad to hear that!

so , thats the plan: at first ill need prewiev photos from you in the BLACK and TIGHT disco pants, in all possible stances. of course in normal mind :)) but now you will be the Boss, and therefore i pleased you, be creative about the poses. do also just a little crazy stances, because this pants show some young and wild imige. im sure you can do that and your good!!

2nd part is, when its all ok, that we arrange your place to stay here and do further important shootings for american apparel. would be that ok for you???

is it right, that you will do the shooting tomorrow?

i whish you a good and great job- good luck!

cheers Danijel

You want something crazy and wild? Something that says, "young"? Okay, Danijel, I can do that. But obviously not till after Thursday, when my Errands for Shut-ins volunteer came to take me to American Apparel -- so today, I sent this email.

Hi, Danijel,

Sorry it took me awhile to get these pictures, but I think you're really going to like them. I chose some of the best shots, but if you need more just let me know. I got really wild in a few of them, just like you suggested -- but I think the bruises can be Photoshopped out.

Although I'm new to professional modeling, I'm excited to work with your team in Switzerland and learn from everyone's experience, while adding some of my own ideas to the mix. I think we should really focus on showing diverse types of beauty -- I mean, who would've thought that lil ole one-legged me would one day stand for fashion and gorgeousness, but here I am!

This is definitely going to appeal to all the other women out there missing eyebrows, legs, arms, etc. Why would they shop with any other brand?

So, when should I ship my stuff to you guys? I want all my clothes and pictures and stuff to be there when I arrive, so I need to get it boxed up and sent. Also, when is our first photoshoot?

And do you have an apartment set up for me yet or should I start looking? Do you have Craigslist there? Because I could start looking for something myself if I need to. Or is it something like Svenslist?

Okay, Danijel, can't wait to meet you!

Christina

And the pictures of me that were attached...



I can't wait to be the first eyebrow-less, one-legged American Apparel model... this has to be kind of historic, right? Also historic that I'll be the first non-child model under 5'8" -- this is clearly a good year for "real" beauty.

Who thinks I'll get another response?

One Year

Today is the anniversary of something terrible. But, for me, it's also the anniversary of something good. One year ago today, I clicked "Publish Post" on my first Too Pretty for This blog post.

I don't think I would've started this blog on September 11 if it hadn't been for Christopher Penn and his Twitter challenge (you can read about it in my first post). I would've started it eventually, because I knew I needed it.

"Kairos" can be defined as the right word at the right moment.

I needed the right words in those moments a year ago. I had left a job I was good at and enjoyed (for reasons I won't go into). I was reeling from shattered relationships that were important to me. I was a writer who didn't write.

And for goodness' sake, I had swine flu and was in quarantine.

It was important to state with some sort of action that I was more than my circumstances, so I started Too Pretty for This. I never expected people -- you -- to connect to what I was saying, to email me during my extended blog absences, and to share your own stories with me.

It's amazing what happens in a year.

Wine tasting happens in a year... Sorry, most recent photo I have.
Also: I am bad at captions.

So although today is a sad day, for me it has a twinge of the beautiful, too. Thank you for a year of caring about why we are Too Pretty for This.

A Stranger Dream

Ever have a dream that is so, so real that you wake up still half believing it?

I had one last night. But it was a nightmare. One that I pray will never come to be; it involved so much pain that I don't know I would survive it if I couldn't wake up.

SO, for those about to leave this Depression Alley, never fear. I want to tell you about a more entertaining dream I had last week -- both so you can enjoy the science fiction nature AND to train my brain toward happier (stranger?) thoughts.

===

The house was dark, the only light flickering in from outside the windows. We stayed inside because we thought... or hoped... we were safe.

There were creaks. Huge eyes stared stricken at one another, as we hoped the sounds were out beyond our walls. We whispered conversations, and pretended whispering was normal and that sitting in the dark was normal and that nothing at all was out of the normal.

It started with an orange. It rolled off the counter and hit the floor. As if tied by the same string, our heads whipped around in unison to watch it pick up speed as it rolled down the hallway.

Another orange, and then an apple, rolled off the counter and through the hall, and we knew the house was infected. Jumped off the floor. Someone grabbed a shopping cart and began throwing food into it that we could take with us as we fled.

Electronic humming started low, but grew louder in proportion to our panic. It was as if they knew we were attempting escape, and they'd have nothing of it. Moving grew harder, as the magnetic current, or gravitational pull -- or whatever term they'd used on the newscast -- pulled us strongly toward them. We leaned into our strides toward the door, the biggest one pushing the cart of food. I watched one slide and skid backward -- we couldn't save her, so we tried to move faster so we wouldn't succumb.

The machines. The DVD players, and iPods, and refrigerators, and light switches, and space heaters, and laptops, and irons... they were drawing us in with increasing force. We escaped this home, but would we escape it in the next?

I Would Text You Some Love

Aww, you all are so great!

I've been MIA the last few days because I started my new job on Wednesday, and have been busy trying to learn huge yachts of information... and then meeting up with friends after work. This is because 1) they all want to hang out now that I'm working nearby, and 2) they are worried that I will get lost on my way home from work and want to make sure I know where I'm going.

So it was AWESOME to return to this blog and, instead of dead desert with tumbleweeds rolling across the page, see all your encouraging comments. Thank you!

This would be much more impressive if I'd flipped the picture so you could read the text. Now you're going to have to try holding your screen up to a mirror or something.

About the new job: I'm conflicted about how much I should talk about it here. Not because I want to say bad things (I don't!), but because I want to take some time to decide how I'll define boundaries. I did that with my posts about teaching, too.

If you want to know the bare bones, you can get LinkedIn (shameless, but come on... you know you want to be professionally networked to me) and see where I'm working and my job title. To give that skeleton a tiny bit of cartilage, a lot of what I'll do every day involves writing, talking to people, and coming up with (hopefully) good ideas... fun stuff. Stuff I like to do even when I'm not getting paid.

How are all of you doing? Tell me in the comments! I'm trying to get caught up on reading all your blogs/Twitters/novels/etc., but even a teeny update would make me happiest of all Christinas.

Mishmash, Hodgepodge & Tarnation

You wonderful people who have kept coming to read even when I've been less than faithful in my writing? I just want you to know I love you. This post is a giant "THANK YOU," catch-up, and newsy bit.

Ready?

Thanks
First, thank you for reading! Yes, you! Because your comments and Twitter love keep inspiring me -- love it! Second, I have to thank a few people for the blog awards they generously threw my way.


This one came from Nathanael over at This Is How It Feels. Although we've argued over the best future locale for Sara, we're generally blog buddies and this is a huge compliment. Thanks!



I don't think Monique (aka the SurferWife) meant to give me both of these, but I'm the kind of girl who takes advantage of ambiguity and will claim ownership of BOTH. That's actually why she likes me in the first place, I think.

Who gets the next round of these babies? I'm sending all three the way of Sara Spelled Without an H, the Aspiring Fashionista, and Sizzle Says.

Catch-Up
I just wrote a review of soon-to-be published Will Jesus Buy Me a Double-Wide? ('Cause I Need More Room for my Plasma TV) by Karen Spears Zacharias. You can see it over at my other online home, Christina is Online.

Newsy-ness
If you've been following my saga, you know I recently moved to Washington State. Yay! And while I love the carefree lifestyle of unemployment (ha), I'm also happy to say I just accepted a new job! I start on Wednesday, and am looking forward to a new challenge.

What does that mean for this blog?

It will still be here. I will still be here. And I anticipate being able to post more regularly, because I'll have a stable schedule. So don't leave me (please!), because I want to grow old with you. Or... at least keep up the conversation. Okay?

Happy Monday!

The Anti-Resolution List

I'm not a resolutions kind of girl.

Mainly because I know I'll lose my list long before the end of the year, so even if I wanted to keep any eye on my progress, I wouldn't be able.

My name is Christina and I lose everything.

But I also avoid resolutions because I don't think life is about creating new hateful habits (exercising a bazillion hours every week! surviving on carrot sticks and lemon water!) or breaking old ones I like (you will never take my coffee away). If I'm going to reflect over the year, it's to see what I liked and what I want to try differently the next time around. I won't be building myself guilt traps. I'll be giving myself permission to enjoy life and grow it into something amazing.

Here's how I try to do it.

I plan to do at least one big thing that I haven't done before. This is kind of an every year plan; 2009's Big Thing I Haven't Done Before was a roadtrip with my best friend. We had a vague plan for the journey, only knowing for sure we'd stop at two old southern cemeteries. On a whim, we drove down to St. Augustine, enjoyed the day, and then drove all night to Virginia so I could teach a 7:40 a.m. class.

I wrote a Dammit List. I wish I could say this was my idea, but it actually came from the brilliance that is Havi Brooks. Basically, it's a manifesto, a collection of personal statements, that define for you (and others) how your life will be conducted. I built upon the Dammit List concept by actually organizing a Dammit Day, and convincing others to write their lists, too. (I get pushy when it comes to the well-being of others, but if they don't like it they can stop talking to me.)

I commit to trying to ask myself the right questions. Welcome to nerd talk, but I truly believe it: if you don't know how to ask the right questions, you're never going to get helpful answers or solutions. So when I come up against hard decisions or scary choices, I try to ask good questions: Am I making this decision out of fear? If so, what am I afraid of? Do I really have more time than I'm giving myself to choose? How might I grow through this opportunity?

I laugh. Because most things are funny from the right perspective, and even the bad things can make for a good story -- it's all in how you tell it.

Now it's your turn. What works best when you contemplate a brand new year? Are you a hard-core resolutions writer or a que sera, sera kind of person? Share your approach in the comments!

In A Strange Land

I didn't realize I'd stepped through the looking glass.

But things -- little things -- didn't add up.

The hours of waiting. The strange sounds. The phone calls that never came. And that disembodied voice that intoned, "You've got mail."

Yes. I'd left the Land of the Living and stumbled into 1995.

AOL.

Dial-up.

Noooooooooooo!

So while I'm residing in this strange land for awhile, I was smart (lucky?) enough to bring my iPhone and laptop. And although new posts won't appear every day, I'll be writing often (meaning more days than not) and Tweeting throughout my waking hours.

I will also be taking obscene numbers of cheesy photos with my overweight dog.

How are all of you? I feel like I've been missing out on your lives, so please fill me in!

Confession Session

Today's a fun day, friends! Not only is the sun shining and my coffee getting downed, but I'm also guest blogging over at Confessions of a Twenty Something Year Old.


Yay!

Cheryl's one of my favorite bloggers, and runs a weekly series about bad dates. If you pop over there right now, you can read about one of my mine.

Uh... yay?

So go read my guest post, but be sure to check out Cheryl's writing if you haven't yet discovered her. Fantasticness personified.

One more plug: if you'd been following me on Twitter, you would've heard about this last night. Who wants me in 140 character increments?

Happy Hump Day, friends!

Going Is Easy

Moving.

Ugh.

I pack. I throw away. I give away. I sell. I pack some more. I use some Kleenex. I run out of the house because I want to feel normal for a few moments, as if the life I've led for eight years isn't ending.

Then I come back... and pack. And find old cards and old memories. Laugh at old pictures. Grimace at old hairstyles. Find comfort in old friendships that have already weathered a few storms.

I sit, wrapped in a blanket. On the floor, because I rarely sit on furniture if I can help it. Disconcerted by empty shelves and boxes that don't belong here. Writing cover letters that convey how amazingly awesome I am only in a way that is modest and professional.

I don't remember the man's name, but I remember what he said: "Going is easy. Leaving is painful."

I think he was right.

I Don't Participate In Cyber Mondays

Cyber Monday makes me laugh.

Why? Because I have a sense of humor more similar to that of my 14-year-old brother than what one would expect of a college professor.

The phrase "Cyber Monday" is funny to me for several reasons. First, "cyber" is such a dated term. It makes me think of the late 90s, when everything was e-this or e-that. Hearing the word makes me want to break out Backstreet Boys music.

The datedness factor leads me to the second reason "cyber" makes me giggle. As you may or may not know, textbooks are not written by the audience to whom they are addressed. No, they are generally penned by old academics who are trying desperately to make their content seem relevant. Which is awesome... most of the time.

This time it's just awesomely funny.

One of the textbooks I use explains to students that sometimes, when grown-ups love each other very much and are very far away from one another, they use the internet to "cyber." Yep, that's the word they chose. So when I see that Twitter is alive with Cyber Monday references, I can't help but imagine an online orgy.

Thanks, old academic textbook-writers. You gave me a priceless image that simultaneously makes me shudder and laugh.

Thanksgivingly Making Messes

If you live outside the United States (or inside them and in a cave somewhere), you might not know it's Thanksgiving.

That wouldn't be a problem if you were in the kitchen with me now, because you'd smell the turkey in the oven (I've never cooked a turkey before!), see the sweet potatoes cooking on the stovetop, and could peek into the fridge to check out a Nutella cream pie setting. And I'd probably slap you upside the head if you asked why there was so much food and then exclaim, "It's Thanksgiving! Be thankful for something while you help me clean up the mess I made in here."

So I'm busy making messes and food today, but I'll be back here tomorrow if I've woken from my food coma. Meanwhile, I think you should check out Havi's list of 77 Things That Don't Completely Suck... I might follow her lead tomorrow instead of punching elderly ladies in the face for a Black Friday discount on the last pair of socks.

Happy Thanksgiving.

How You Know You've Made It As A Blogger

I've made it as a blogger.


I didn't know if this would ever happen... I mean, lightning rarely strikes twice, and I had my first bit of electrocution as a celebrity gossip blogger. So I'm just flattered and trying to prepare myself for the fame that's sure to be around the corner.

How do I know I've "made it" as a blogger, you ask? Well, it's when you start having people come to you for things. With the celebrity gossip thing, I had publicists contacting me out of the blue to promote their shows, artists, whatever. And while mostly that just meant I got a lot of press releases from Animal Planet, National Geographic, and Playboy, it was something.

And you'd be surprised how much a site's Google rankings improve when you include keywords like "nude," "Victoria's Secret models," and "Playboy." Especially when they're all in one sentence like that.

So this past week, when I was told by blogger Feelmore that she was naming me as a recipient to the award below (I didn't forget!), I was honored.

But I guess it brought my blog to the attention of some of her important friends, because NoNine Recordings emailed me soon after and gave me a song from their new artist, David Minor.

So obviously, I've made it.

I've also disclosed that I got a freebie, so now everyone (*cough* government regulators *cough*) can be happy.

So thank you all for making this happen. I'm tearing up a little when I think of all my fans and my supporters, and the long hard hours I've put into this blog for 2.5 whole months. Oh, gosh, I don't want to forget my friends, my family, my dog... everyone who has made this journey with me.

This also means I may need to stop associating with some of you non-freebie-receivers. Sorry, but now that I'm in demand I really have to focus on my work and perfecting my craft and dodging the photogs.

(Or you can just enjoy the free song by David Minor, too, thanks to the generous people at NoNine Recordings. That would actually fix everything.)

As You Wish

Today has been a productive day so far (it's not quite 3 p.m.), but one of those productive days where you still don't feel like anything got done.

Ever have one of those?

I taught class, sat in on another one, got some feedback from a teaching observation, learned how to mask my site (meaning you can type in "TooPrettyForThis.com" and the URL won't change anymore), graded a stack of speech evaluation sheets, fell asleep at my keyboard...

Yes, I'm bored by my litany of tasks, too.

So for the next few days, I'm going to ask you questions about what you like best about this site. Since I like writing and seeing my words all over the internet no matter the subject, I figured I could maybe give you more of what you already enjoy.

Here's my first question for all of you.

Thanks for answering!

Now tell me in the comments: what about today (Friday at last!) or your weekend plans is getting you excited about life? For me, it's lazer tag tomorrow!

Day Seven: First I Must Breathe

I'm going to get accused of a cop-out. I can feel it.

But if you know me at all, you know this is truly a step toward slight improvement: today, I will make a concerted effort to relax.

For many reasons outside and inside my control, I get stressed out. My eyes glaze over, my neck muscles and veins become unusually defined, and I think I even snarl occasionally. Is any of this helpful? No, of course not. But it's something that just seems to happen, and cheery Care Bear thoughts don't snap me out of it.

So first, I took a few minutes to stretch out on my back and do some deep breathing. This slowed my heart rate (which had been accelerated to stress AND four cups of coffee), helped ease my muscles, and rethink my day.

The second thing I did was head over to Subway to buy a sandwich. Why is this relaxing to me? Because I rarely eat fast food, preferring to eat something healthy and possibly boring at home. But I gave myself permission to eat something easy that I was craving, and now feel soooo much better. Maybe my body needed carbs? Or sliced onions?

The third thing I did to relax was some intrapersonal communication (See, kids? You WILL use some of those terms you learned in speech class!). I had an internal conversation with myself about what was stressing me out today, and how I could make it manageable.

"Christina," I said in my warmest internal voice, "Let's write a list of the things that need to get done, okay?"

"Only if there are checkboxes," I grumped in reply. "I want to make Xs when I'm done with stuff."

"That's a great idea!" my kind, reasonable self enthused. "And if you do one or two of the easier tasks, you're going to feel a sense of accomplishment which might help this stress funk we're in. And remember: you have all day to get this done."

So I'm sitting here at my computer, pecking away and making big black Xs on my checklist. And guess what? Between the extra oxygen in my brain, the onions in my belly, and the joy of listmaking, I am much less stressed.

What do you do to ease stress?

It's the last day of our Week of Slight Improvements! Congratulations to those of you who have stuck it out and those of you who tried. What three things did you work on today? Anything about the week you want to share? Talk to me in the comments!

Day Six: There Are Other People In The World

Today is Day Six of the Week of Slight Improvements, and I'm really glad we've been doing this.

But one thing that's bothered me is that as I write about my meager efforts, the focus tends to be all on me. And that's not really what I intended.

(Yet I use a picture of myself... interesting how I conflict the messages.)

So today's goal is to push some of that attention to people and organizations I think you should know about.

First, people. I could tell you about some of the famous bloggers I read regularly, but I thought you might want to know some of the lesser-known writers who provide me with feedback and encouragement.

Sarah Spelled With No H -- she's just fantastic. She's honest, funny, and has become a venting buddy.

A Hot Piece of Sass -- might one day rule the world, so be her friend now.

Makeup and Beauty Blog -- Karen has a huge following, but still makes time to chit chat with the people who love her... thus perpetuating a cycle of adoration.

Sid Prince Explains -- he's taking a break for NaNoWriMo, but when it's there the writing is great and the author is quick to engage his readers.

Second, causes. There are a lot of great organizations out there that you should know about -- and I have a special place in my heart for Pantene Beautiful Lengths, Locks of Love, and the Susan G. Komen Foundation. But Skip1.org gives you a super easy way to make a difference every day.

Skip1.org PSA from Skip1 on Vimeo.

Third, I want to highlight someone who's living a great story -- and wants to help other people do the same. Check out Chris Guillebeau (yeah, I don't know how to pronounce his last name, either) and his adventures at The Art of Non-Conformity.

But please, let's not end here! Share in the comments people, organizations, movements, stories, whatever that you think are worth some attention. I want to learn something new, too!

Day Five: Good Riddance

Today's goal is one that will be hard for me.

I'm getting rid of stuff.

One of the things I'm removing from my life is the stovetop melted mess. Yes, I still have that. No idea why, since all it does is sit on my countertop and remind me of a rice cooking failure.

"Remember that time you failed as a woman?" it whispers tauntingly.

"Yeah," I respond miserably. Well, no more!


The second thing that's exiting my life is a bag of shoes I don't wear. We're talking years since the last wear. It's time for them to leave my closet and find other feet. I'll be donating those somewhere they'll get some love.

The last thing I'll be giving away are some items I know my friends admire. I don't need them, don't use them, and only have them because I like to own things.

Some of you are probably so bored out of your skull by this list. But getting rid of things is really hard for me. I am looking around my apartment -- and it is FULL and it is currently a MESS -- and I see nothing that needs to leave. Despite knowing many, many people live with far less than what I have, I can't imagine not having every.single.thing here.

So... like I said, this is hard for me. But it's a good beginning in terms of purging my belongings, and I can know that doing so might have benefited a few people in tiny ways.

How are the rest of you doing in your week of slight improvements?

Day Three: And Now I'm Uncomfortable

Note about my video blogs: I know that these are sometimes hit or miss. Today you'll probably be able to tell how stressed I'm feeling. The reason I post video blogs -- flaws and all -- is to just change things up and to let you see into my life a little more. Many of you are sharing your lives and your stories with me, so I'm trying to do the same.

Keep sharing. Talk to me in the comments.

Day Two: Improved By Chocolate

Okay, I have to admit that I'm already really glad that so many of you are doing this Slight Improvement Project with me... because today I did NOT feel like it. But knowing that you were working at it -- and would ask about my efforts -- kept me honest.

I woke up in a bad mood. So it kind of made sense that today was the day I'd work on being nice to people. Ugh.

But here's how I'm making it work: I'm feeding people chocolate.

Mmm, brownies...

Yeah, this looks a lot like the brownies, but it's actually a chocolate genoise... and that Nutella will soon be used to make a mousse. Yum!

These cupcakes are coming with me to a meeting I'm attending in a little while... don't really want to go, but thought food would make it better for everyone.

Not only am I fulfilling my obligation to doing something good three times, but I actually am feeling happier and more kindly toward the world.

Sidenote: That last phrase -- "kindly toward the world" -- immediately made me think of a saint in a medieval icon, with soft doe eyes and gentle hands lifted in blessing. That's not quite how I'm acting yet.

Jealous of the chocolate goodies? Want to tell me about your Day 2? Inspired to send me money? I'd like to hear all of that in the comments.

Day One Of Slightly Improved-ness

Wow, I never expected the kind of feedback I got from yesterday's post. It's awesome that so many of you are going to share this short experiment of self-improvement!

So far, I've written two of the three letters I want to send today. One of them was serious and special, the other was a "hey, let's not lose touch again because we're great people!" kind of email. I know what the third one will be... I'm going to have to break open the notecards and use my very best penmanship. This is kind of fun!

(If I don't stab you in the heart, I might write you a letter with this pen!)

But as I think about the things I want to do later in the week, I feel my inherent laziness kick in.

"Why don't you decide that you will spend extra time on your looks one day?" I suggest to myself.

"You can spend 10 extra minutes on your makeup and hair, do your nails, and buy something new to wear? That's three!"

That sounds like a great idea! Except, wait... I kind of want to do those things anyway. And they are kind of selfish-sounding goals that don't require me to do anything uncomfortable. And I am kind of already good at doing things that aren't uncomfortable.

Hmm.

I'll come up with some semi-virtuous things to do, don't worry. I'll even tell you about them so you know I won't cheat. But for those of you who signed on for the challenge: how is your first day going?