Getting All Bent Into Shape

There have been all sorts of sicknesses in my office the last few weeks. I'm pretty sure I've been exposed to the cold virus, whatever new strain exists of swine flu, and the black plague. I mentioned this when I went to the chiropractor yesterday, and he told me it was a smart move on my part to come visit him. Getting your spine aligned helps your immune system, he assured me.

Well, smart me was pretty happy that less-smart-me had scheduled the appointment a month earlier.

Here's what he didn't tell me: your emotions live in your spine. And when you get your vertebrae crackling and lined up, you're releasing all sorts of feelings into your nerves and blood and whatnot -- and who knows how much build up is in there.

If you're a robot it's no big deal. In fact, if you're a robot you probably don't even need a chiropractor and you're totally getting gypped. But if you're a female, you are in TROUBLE.

It's like when you have plaque built up in your veins and it releases and clogs an artery and you have a heart attack and die. Kind of. And I think you get plaque in your veins but that might only be your teeth, but you get the idea -- this is all very sciencey so trust me on it.

So after getting my back adjusted yesterday, I felt awesome... for half an hour. My hips were aligned -- better for swaying, I say -- my back was straight-ish, and my shoulders weren't hunched into some painful-looking posture.

Then: everyone was terrible and mean to me. Even the people who were nice were only that way because they were afraid of being honest about their repulsion of me and that made me want to kick them. When my father offered to give me a cordless drill I assumed it was to write messages in people's car doors who were clearly against me (the offer of the drill was rescinded). The weather was gross on purpose to make me sad and the stores didn't have clothes or shoes I wanted out of spite. SPITE.

Even chocolate was against me, I could tell.

And then I realized: I didn't feel this way before my back was cracked earlier in the day. My agile mind put 2 and 2 together and realized what had happened.



Chiropractors need to come with surgeon general warnings.

Beware the Flight Attendants

So a few weeks back everyone was Google Trending and Facebook posting about the newly required TSA body scans.

Personally, I think that constitutes a year-round motivation to work out and watch one's diet... because here in Seattle, there IS no bikini season to keep me thin.

Here's what you should really worry about, though, and no one but me is telling you to be afraid:

FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.

"Why?" you may ask. "Why would I worry about those friendly soda-dispensing butlers in the sky?"

Because some of them are too friendly. Let me give you an example.

Last week I had to go out of town for work, and on Monday was flying back. Due to lovely snow you midwesterners provided, I nearly missed my first flight. Checked in, provided pin-up pictures for the TSA scanners, and then raced across the airport to launch myself into the plane before they took off without me.

The older flight attendant greeted me, and asked me how I was doing.

"Oh, a little harried," I wheezed, clutching the stitch in my side.

"Ooooh, yes," he said, running his fingers through my hair. "Yes, you have that whole Taylor Swift thing going, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess." I eased away and settled in my seat.

My friend came by a moment later.

"You've been upgraded!" he announced.

"What?" The plane didn't *have* a first class section.

"You need to come sit up in the first row," he explained. Thinking that something had gone wrong with my rushed check-in and he was trying to spare me embarrassment, I dutifully took myself and my purse to the front row and sat down.

The flight attendant plopped down in the seat next to me. "Well," he leered. "Now we can talk!"

Oh. Great.

"What do you do for a living?" he asked.

"I work in the motorcycle industry," I responded vaguely.

That was the wrong answer, because his grin got creepier. "Oh, I bet! I can totally see you, all dolled up in boots and chaps and a leather jacket!"

Can you? I'd prefer you didn't.

I clarified that's not actually what I wear or do. Then I clarified I was tired by yawning whenever he opened his mouth. Then I clarified I didn't WANT him to get a flight to Seattle, thanks.

I'm telling you: flight attendants are the ones you need to watch out for. They know you won't punch them because you want to make your connecting flight and won't risk airport jail (is there a real name for that?).

So fortify yourself with booze at the bar, bring a book, and wear your best repellent scents... because those villains are out there, ready to offer you a Coca-Cola and some bagged peanuts.

What Do You Say to the Most Polite Spammer Ever?

So after my last email to Danijel (read here, here, and here to figure out who this is), I assumed the hint was given and I was off the hook.

Oh no.

Perhaps this guy (woman? I don't have the faintest idea) has caught on and thinks it's hilarious and is trying to play me.

Maybe this is an ingenius and elaborate publicity hoax for someone actually selling spandex disco pants -- making this a searched for-term -- or making AdWords money off of this somewhere (yes, seriously, this person might not have anything to do with spandex, a weird fetish site, or American Apparel... it might just be someone gaming Google).

But honestly? I think this must be the most polite spammer ever. Take a look at the email I received after sending my "photographs."

"Photographs" like this one.

Hy Christina!

its good to haer again from you! grat, they are intressting pics,hehe..

your ideas are good ,but at first i must see what youve done about the real pics in your photoshooting?? i dont know if you wear black disco pants, and how look your poses???

it would be very fiendly if you can send me these on my mail, and than we can look further, to arrange you all you need, ok? so, dear Christina hope you can send me the pics as soon as possible.. Thank you!!

For next Week i have also a lot to do! Bussines as usuall ;))

That sounds like something I would've heard from a kindly philosophy professor: "Well, I see where you were going with that, and that's a good start, but let's try..."

I had no time to Photoshop my head onto a one-legged stick figure or some other variation, so I didn't respond right away.

So a few days later, this arrived:

Hy Chrsitina!

How are you?

I just also want to ask you if you get my last E-Mail and what do you decide to do about your nice pictures? wanna send them to me??

its important to know for me because i really need a prewiev to plan further..

would be great if you can answer me :)

cheers Danijel!

He's getting impatient now... because it seems I'm wasting his time. Hmm.

I am now taking suggestions. What would you like to see me say to Danijel, the ultra-polite spammer?

Disco Pants: Is there a Craigslist or Svenslist in Switzerland?

Sarcasm is not a universal language. But if pictures are worth a thousand words, I just sent a few thousands' worth to Danijel, my cheerful and persistent spammer. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read part 1 and part 2 of the Disco Pants Saga to catch up.
==

So after the last email, here is the response I received.

Dear Christina!

Thanks for your quick answer :)) im glad to hear that!

so , thats the plan: at first ill need prewiev photos from you in the BLACK and TIGHT disco pants, in all possible stances. of course in normal mind :)) but now you will be the Boss, and therefore i pleased you, be creative about the poses. do also just a little crazy stances, because this pants show some young and wild imige. im sure you can do that and your good!!

2nd part is, when its all ok, that we arrange your place to stay here and do further important shootings for american apparel. would be that ok for you???

is it right, that you will do the shooting tomorrow?

i whish you a good and great job- good luck!

cheers Danijel

You want something crazy and wild? Something that says, "young"? Okay, Danijel, I can do that. But obviously not till after Thursday, when my Errands for Shut-ins volunteer came to take me to American Apparel -- so today, I sent this email.

Hi, Danijel,

Sorry it took me awhile to get these pictures, but I think you're really going to like them. I chose some of the best shots, but if you need more just let me know. I got really wild in a few of them, just like you suggested -- but I think the bruises can be Photoshopped out.

Although I'm new to professional modeling, I'm excited to work with your team in Switzerland and learn from everyone's experience, while adding some of my own ideas to the mix. I think we should really focus on showing diverse types of beauty -- I mean, who would've thought that lil ole one-legged me would one day stand for fashion and gorgeousness, but here I am!

This is definitely going to appeal to all the other women out there missing eyebrows, legs, arms, etc. Why would they shop with any other brand?

So, when should I ship my stuff to you guys? I want all my clothes and pictures and stuff to be there when I arrive, so I need to get it boxed up and sent. Also, when is our first photoshoot?

And do you have an apartment set up for me yet or should I start looking? Do you have Craigslist there? Because I could start looking for something myself if I need to. Or is it something like Svenslist?

Okay, Danijel, can't wait to meet you!

Christina

And the pictures of me that were attached...



I can't wait to be the first eyebrow-less, one-legged American Apparel model... this has to be kind of historic, right? Also historic that I'll be the first non-child model under 5'8" -- this is clearly a good year for "real" beauty.

Who thinks I'll get another response?

Spandex Disco Pants Continues

Sarcasm doesn't translate well, it seems.

Hy there! Thanks for answering!

ok dear Christina,

At first i would say, that you try to make some sample photoshoots in the disco pants and send me these back.

if is than all or right, we look further.. because we do this whit all us participants.

im very sorry about your leg, that must be very hard for you!

i just always cant imagine, how would you look in these situation in these pants? can i also ask you how old are you? its also nice to meet you too!

ok dear Christina, i would be happy if you let me know, when aproximately do you think to start whit do this.

i whish you also all good in this new year and take care...

regards Danijel


That's fine. "ok dear Christina" has a new hobby for 2011, it seems.

Hi, Danijel,

It's so good to hear from you again! I can't wait to take those pictures and send them to you so we can get that formality out of the way! Won't be too much longer -- Thursdays are when the volunteer from Errands for Shut-Ins comes by to take me to the grocery store and to shop for whatever I need, and that's when I'll pick up a pair of disco pants. I had my drivers license taken away after my accident because, being one-footed, I could only step on the gas pedal. I put a sign on my car to warn people that I wasn't going to slow down or yield or stop unless *absolutely* necessary, but someone decided that people can't read or whatever and the signs were a bad idea.

Anyway.

I'm certain I'll look good in the disco pants. I've always had nice legs, and now that I only use one for everything, it's very toned. And without a second leg to distract from that one, everyone will see how good the disco pants look on it! I have a very good feeling about this ad campaign, but who's surprised by that? You and I make a great business team -- seriously going to take the world by storm, Danijel.

One thing to keep in mind is that age is just a number, so don't worry about mine. Besides, with Photoshop, you can totally remove minor wrinkles or fat rolls.

Let me know when I'll need to be in Switzerland. I've started dropping hints to my boyfriend that things might not be working out, so I will need a plane ticket and a place to crash pretty soon.

To the new year!

Christina

Incidentally, I do not recommend trying this at home. Somewhere on the internet, a big red buzzer started flashing and beeping when I responded to the first email, alerting spammers everywhere that my account was in use and opening emails.

Any of you have suggestions as to what afflictions I should contract in time for my next email?